WHEN “MOTHER’S INTUITION” IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS
(Follow up to previous post on “mother’s intuition” being correct)
When Speech Therapists are in graduate school still earning their degrees, they are required to work for a semester or two in the departments’ outpatient clinic. Therapists learn to give evaluations, write reports, write goal plans, and provide treatment, all while being watched via camera by their professors.
During one of my semesters in the outpatient clinic, I was part of the evaluation team for a young man who was approximately eleven years old. He came with his mother to be evaluated for a language disorder. This kid had no medical diagnosis, but a chart two inches thick. A quick review of the chart showed that this boy had not been held back in school, was achieving “B” and “C” level work, and per the school was not a behavior problem in any way.
The other graduate student and I put this young man through a series of language tests, evaluating his ability levels with vocabulary, sentence construction, listening skills….a whole host of potential issues. He scored within normal limits on each test. Nothing stood out as a “problem.” He was polite, worked hard, and had an adequate attention span – there was nothing that made either of us worry.
While we were involved in the testing, our professor was reading his chart. Cover to cover. And, while I didn’t know it, she was getting really good and steamed.
The young man was taken to our break room for a snack, while the professor and I met with mom to go over the results. I reviewed the testing that we had done, and gave her the “good” news that her son did not have a language disorder. What happened next made my mouth go O. I did not see it coming, and therefore had no way to prepare. The mom was disappointed that she had “not yet gotten a diagnosis that would her explain her child’s problems.” My professor came unleashed.
My Prof told mom that there was nothing “wrong” with her child. She told her that the “answers” she had been seeking for six years were already in her son’s chart. The kid had an IQ of 92, which put him at “average.” He was not Intellectually Challenged, by any stretch of the imagination, but he was certainly not “Gifted,” and would never be a straight “A” student who never struggled in school. His “difficulty” with school was not a result of a “learning disorder” or “undiagnosed diagnosis.” His “difficulty” was that he was normal, and that his mother, for whatever reason, felt that he should have been gifted.
The “behaviors” that she described as “issues” that made her life unhappy, were truly just normal parenting issues that the vast majority of parents deal with. Her son was sometimes “unmotivated” and didn’t want to do his homework. Well yeah, him and seven million other kids. He sometimes “mouthed off.” Uh huh. Yep, pre-pubescent kids will do that. He got “bad” grades. No…he got “B’s” and “C’s” which translates into average and above average. No failures here.
My professor told this woman that the extensive testing, appointments, diets, treatments, etc., that she had put this child through were detrimental to his well-being, specifically his mental health, because every time she took him to another “specialist” she was telling him that there was something “wrong” with him, and that she wouldn’t be satisfied until they figured out what it was. The conversation ended with, “Stop having him tested, and just accept him for the wonderful young man he is. This is your issue, not his.”
After mom left, the professor and I had a long talk, and she apologized for what appeared to be an outburst. We looked over the chart together. This child had been through FOUR different Pediatricians. Switching once, totally understandable. Switching four times….red flag that mom has trouble getting along/accepting advice. The kid had gone through extensive testing at his school – way more than the average child. Not only had he completed the IQ test, but he had been seen by the reading specialist, their speech therapist, their psychologist, and the special education department. He had been evaluated by multiple psychologists, and a psychiatrist, all with no further treatment or medications prescribed. He had had his vision and hearing tested by outside professionals repeatedly.
In addition to all of the above testing, mom had, over the years, placed this child on a “no red dye” diet, a sugar free diet, an organic diet, and a gluten free diet (this was twenty years before you and I ever heard of a gluten free diet!) She was giving him “supplements” to increase his brain power, and decrease his behaviors. Funny, none of this ever “worked” to her satisfaction.
My professor acknowledged that her comments to mom were harsh, but she believed with her whole heart that this mother needed to hear them. Now twenty-five years later, I whole-heartedly agree.
If I was in this situation now, and could get this mom to understand what I was saying, I could potentially put her on a whole different path. So his grades aren’t what she’d like, and he is most likely not going to be a dentist, doctor, or lawyer….ok, what CAN he do that is absolutely fabulous? Is he an artist? A musician? If she took the time, energy and money she had spent on all of this testing, and put it into karate, music and swim lessons, she may very well have found out that her child had enormous hidden talents that she could be proud of, would boost his self-esteem, and could eventually lead to a career that didn’t require such a demanding college education.
Now…here’s the deal. In the last blog post I talked about “mother’s intuition” and encouraged parents to steadfastly follow up when they believe their child has an issue that is undiagnosed. In this post, I’m telling you that sometimes parents “project” their issues onto their children, and that there isn’t anything to diagnose. How are you supposed to know the difference?
- Can you specifically state what the issue is? Examples: When my child reaches for something, she is typically two inches off. (indicates vision problem) When my child reaches for something, her hand shakes and she knocks it over. (indicates neurological problem) My child will not touch anything gooey or dirty and actually gags over things like Play Dough and finger paints. (indicates Sensory Disorder) My child is uncoordinated (vague and unhelpful).
- Has anyone else commented on these issues? Do other people notice as well? Your partner, grandparents, daycare workers, people at church?
- Is there any family history of a similar issue? If so, more cause for concern.
- Most parents, when seeking a diagnosis, have mixed feelings – they HOPE that nothing is seriously wrong, but also want to get their child needed help. Parents often feel relieved when a diagnosis is given, even if it’s a lifelong diagnosis like Autism, because they at least know that they aren’t “crazy” and that they are going to receive help.
Having said that, is there any part of you that “hopes” that your child has diagnosable issues so that you can receive attention or empathy from professionals? Is there any thought in your head that this could lead to an SSI check? If so, you need to ask yourself if this is really a “child” issue, or is this a “parent” issue.
- Finally, ask yourself if this current concern is likely to still be a concern or create additional problems over the next five years. Will it matter when your child goes to Kindergarten? Will it matter when your child is in third grade or moving to the High School? If the answer is probably yes, an evaluation is probably in order.
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