SAME DIAGNOSIS, TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT OUTCOMES
LESSON 3 OF RAISING WELL BEHAVED CHILDREN
Twenty-five years ago, a little girl with Down syndrome was born. While her parents were surprised by the diagnosis, they decided that regardless of her limitations, Selena was going to be a good person – the type that others wanted to have around.
Several months later, a little boy with Down syndrome was born in the same community. His parents were devastated by the diagnosis, reportedly asking everyone “Why would God do this to us?” They named him Joe, and rather than celebrate his birth, they introduced him when they had to, often with the comment, “He’s retarded*, you know.”
Selena’s parents worked with her every day. They took her to see specialists, and made sure that she got speech therapy. When Selena, like every child, got into things or made messes or yelled too loudly, her parents corrected her and told her what behavior they expected to see. As Selena grew and went to school, her parents accepted the fact that she would never go to college and wasn’t going to be doctor, but they maintained their original stated goal that she would be a good person, and someone that others would want to have around.
Joe’s parents protected him from harm and provided for his basic needs. When he got into things and made messes, his parents said, “Well, what do you expect? He’s retarded.” Joe was an out of control toddler, grew into an out of control student, and became a teenager who acted like a toddler. Joe’s parents never had any expectations for him and made excuses when he displayed poor behavior.
Selena still lives at home with her parents, where she is helpful with household chores. She takes care of all of her own grooming needs. She works a job five days per week through a community program for the physically and mentally challenged. She makes money, and is proud of her independence.
She had always attended her church and Sunday school, but now as an adult, Selena serves as a greeter, and is invited to join committees. Why committees? Because the church people have found that Selena was a kind person who saw things very clearly – it was either right or wrong, good or bad, Christian or not Christian. When tough decisions need to be made, it is often Selena who is looked to for the final answer.
Joe lives with his parents too. He performs no household chores, and needs help with all grooming. He only leaves the house with his parents, has no job, no hobbies, no interests, and no plans. He is sullen, depressed, grumpy and difficult to deal with. He has no friends, and other than his parents, has very little interaction with anyone.
Selena has friends from her workplace and is invited by her friends and their parents to movies and bowling activities. Selena is invited to baby showers and weddings – not as an “add on” with her mother, but with her own invitation.
Selena is aware that she is different from most people, and that there are things that she cannot do, like drive a car. However, Selena is a happy, pleasant, busy person with a full life.
When Joe’s parents can no longer take care of him, Joe will be forced to move into a group home or nursing home, because there is no one in his family willing to support him. How sad that Joe is not living his life to his full potential and is virtually without social interactions.
When Selena’s parents can no longer care for her, Selena has a choice of two siblings and a cousin who have already agreed to support her – because she is not a burden, but a joy to have around.
The difference between these two people? The parents. The parent’s expectations, and the parent’s willingness to help their child reach their full potential. Period. They were born at the same time, in the same community, with equal access to the same resources, with the same diagnosis, and their IQ’s are within points of each other. Other than gender, the only difference between these two is who they were born to.
If you have a child with special needs, no matter what the diagnosis, please understand that your child is still a child. They need love, and encouragement. They need guidelines and parameters. Every child has strengths and weaknesses, but whether those strengths are realized and weaknesses are accommodated for is up to the parents.
Selena’s parents were well aware from day one that they had a challenge on their hands, but they thought ahead, and asked themselves, “What do we want our little girl to be like when she is in her twenties? What kind of PERSON do we want her to be?” They focused on her PERSON, rather than her disability.
When Selena was small, she was considered “special” because of her diagnosis, facial features that were “different” and the extra help that she needed. Today, in her twenties, Selena is still considered “special” by her friends and family, but not because of a diagnosis. She’s special because of her warm, loving heart, her great big smile, and her genuine love of God and people.
* “Retarded” is no longer an acceptable term used to describe people of lower than normal intellect. The correct terminology now is “Intellectual Disability.”
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